Create a Behavioral Plan That Works!
Parents will often come to me and ask how they can get their children to do this or that. They’ll want advice on how to get their children or teens to change their behavior. What I often find, however, is that parents typically need to change their own behavior or approach to behavior change first.
In discussing this further with parents, I find that a lot of good and well-intended parents unfortunately fall into one of two categories: 1) parents who expect their children to learn and do things simply by telling them to “just do it”, and 2) parents who tend to shape their children’s behavior mostly with punishment, but not reward since reward is often seen as some sort of pay-off or bribe.
No matter what kind of parent you are, it’s important to have a good sense of what behavioral modification is so that you may use it to create behavior change effectively and while keeping everyone’s mental health in mind. Quite simply, behavior modification is responding to a behavior in a way that shapes that behavior into a habit (intentionally or not). The manner of responding is typically done via a reward or a punishment. Engaging in a favorable behavior yields a reward, while engaging in an unfavorable behavior yields a punishment. Once this is outlined to parents, I then give them some homework to go create a behavior modification plan (together). I then guide them as follows:
A. Create a wish list of the behaviors you’d like your children to modify. (I also tell them not to implement anything until they are in agreement on it as parents.)
B. Write down everything that your children experience as a reward or consequence and apply these as “if-then” contingencies. (“If you do X, then you’ll get Y.”) Consider what they are willing to work to earn, what they want to avoid, and what they feel is a punishment.
C. Apply punishment and reward in a way that make sense and that is related to their behavior. If they get in a fight at school, make them volunteer somewhere or take away their social privileges. Don’t just restrict screens, in general. (A social problem should yield a social consequence.) Parents often feel stuck here, so I try to help them to not resort to the same unrelated punishment over and over again like taking away cell phones. Likewise, rewards should relate and make sense. Once this is created, I then tell parents to go get some feedback on it from their kids and expect to negotiate the final version, to some degree. Such a thing is more likely to be successful if kids feel like they have had some reasonable say in its creation.
Once this is ready to implement, the real parenting begins. I then suggest the following general parenting guidelines (not a complete list):
1. Be consistent and predictable (but not rigid). Follow through! Parents are notorious for not following through – especially with rewards. (You want to get paid at work, so pay your kids for their efforts.)
2. Be firm in tone & avoid arguing/escalating.
3. Make eye contact.
4. Be respectful. No shaming or ridiculing. Remember, you get what you give.
5. Use light touch to guide or re-direct them, if necessary.
6. Give 1 or 2 reminders before punishing.
7. Have them repeat back what they are supposed to be doing so you’re sure they understand.
8. Help your kids to predict the potential outcomes of their choices & highlight that these outcomes are primarily related to their choices.
9. Set reasonable deadlines. Use timers with younger kids. Again, don’t be afraid to negotiate to some degree. Negotiating isn’t disempowering you or a sign of “weakness”. In fact, I consider it respectful and you do get what you give.
10. Try not to get pulled off topic in discussions about rules or when negotiating. Deal with “back-talk” later. (Reasonable questioning of rules and reasonable negotiation is not “back-talk” or disrespect.)
11. Don’t take things personally. You’re the adult so try to have thoughtful responses and not emotional reactions.
If you'd like support for your child, schedule an appointment with Dr. Sina today.