When Your Child Steals

When our children steal, it’s natural for us to be concerned. We may even find our minds wandering off to some pretty dark places in attempting to make sense of why our children steal. We may blame ourselves and consider ourselves failures as parents. We may even fear that our children are so-called “juvenile delinquents”. Then, of course, there’s the embarrassment and shame we may also feel.

Similar to lying, at around 4 years old, children are in a better developmental state to understand that taking something that doesn’t belong to them is wrong. They learn this through directly being taught by their parents, as well as indirectly observing parental behavior. A parent who later realizes that they forgot to pay for something that’s been tucked away at the bottom of their shopping cart and does not return to the store to pay for it is also teaching their children a lesson about stealing.

While stealing almost always deserves some sort of consequence, whether it’s a natural or logical consequence, I would argue that it is almost more important to understand the motivation for stealing. Some children may steal to feel equal to their peers and in this way boost their self-esteem as they now possess the same highly valued item that their peers do. Some children may steal in the presence of other children to achieve some sort of social status or reputation, while other children may steal as an attempt to soothe themselves from some unpleasant feelings. There are also those children who steal to “get even” with someone by making others experience something that they themselves are actually feeling - like anger.

So how should you handle this as a parent? Well, a parental response to stealing should largely be comprised of 3 things. First, discuss the behavior in an attempt to arrive at an understanding of the motivation for the behavior. Second, the usual apology is always good, especially if it is heartfelt. Third, consider some remuneration or compensation for the theft. The child may literally replace the item that was stolen, offer the financial equivalent of the item, or engage in some sort of behavior that symbolically replaces the item through some sort of act, gesture, or task. From here, a parent would also need to look for behavior change moving forward as the real indicator of having addressed the issue effectively.