Why is my child misbehaving?

While I don’t want to oversimplify the reasons children misbehave, in general, there tend to be 4 themes or goals of misbehavior.

The 4 Goals of Misbehavior:

The first is: Attention.

Children will often act-out in order to get another’s attention. If things end up going badly, a parent may wonder why their child would be seeking so-called "negative attention". They’re not. They are, in fact, attempting to receive positive attention. However, their choices may not be the best and they consequently may end up in trouble, but I don’t believe children would rather have negative attention than no attention at all. I believe that somewhere along the way they lose control of the situation, which results in a poor choice that is then punished.

A second goal of misbehavior may be the seeking of Power or Control.

In this scenario, a child’s goal may be to exert some power or control over another individual or a situation. Imagine, for example, a child that is feeling somewhat helpless in a situation. This child may be feeling that others are making poor decisions that are negatively affecting them. If so, the child may act out in some way to attempt to end to the other person’s behavior, thereby protecting themselves.

Another goal of misbehavior is Revenge.

While this may sound somewhat sinister, this type of behavior is likely to appear when a child feels they cannot obtain power or control over a situation. This may then be seen as a way to “get even” with someone in order to attempt to correct a situation they felt was as unfair.

Lastly, the fourth goal of misbehavior is acting-out in a way that displays inadequacy.

In this type of situation, the child has given up and wants you to know it. (The adult has probably given up as well.) A parent may then inadvertently reinforce this behavior by expecting nothing from the child out of their own parental feelings of exasperation and hopelessness. This is a child and parent who are equally discouraged with solving the problem (and with dealing with each other).

Lastly, in talking about these “goals” of misbehavior, I’m not meaning to imply that children are fully aware of what they really intend to achieve. I think the most important thing that I’m suggesting here is that parents need to look beyond the actual behaviors themselves in order to try to understand possible ulterior or subconscious motives for their children’s behaviors.

If you'd like support for your child, schedule an appointment with Dr. Sina today.